Wooshes story 3: How the non-smoking jogging society got its name

Parts 1 and 2 has been archived. This is the story of how Woosh Wayne set up the anal-retentive society of non-smoking so that they can also have respect and how they decided on a name for the society. His story continues:

‘When we came together the next week, at the same table in the same bar, we had all given the matter a lot of thought and we started to strategize.

‘First on the agenda was to clarify our objectives.’ Said Woosh Wayne. “We started of with a lot of highfaluting words about how we want to benefit the human race and other thoughts. Eventually we realized that all we want was that people stop looking down on wooshes. To do this we had to make everybody a woosh, or make them despise those that are not wooshes. This was such a simple and honest objective so we settled for this.”

“For this to become a reality we needed people to subscribe to the objective and become a popular movement. We then discussed other movements that had become popular over time so that we can learn from their principles.

“Communism was an obvious one for us to take as a role model. They simply banned anything they did not like. They banned capitalism. They banned the church. They banned making money. They banned people enriching themselves. This worked for us because if we were communists in a communistic country we would simply ban people from making derogatory remarks about wooshes. We could ban fun things like smoking, beer, and blonds having sex with hulks.

“The church was a good contender for a role model. They banned sex, mostly. They banned anything that the hulks enjoy. They also taught that one should love thy neighbor, but what we wanted was more than just neighborly love. We wanted people to love wooshes, and aspire to become wooshes. At least the church had managed to ban smoking and beer drinking in church.

“The American government was a good potential candidate. But they were very liberal and allowed people to do what they want, which was not quite what we wanted because anti-wooshism will continue if people have a free choice. In fact it is the result of this freedom that we had our problem. One of us knew that the democratic USA had more laws then the Russian communists, so this made them even more attractive as an organization to emulate.

“The organization that we felt most attracted to was the Alcoholics Anonymous. This was because of their prayer which asks God for them to be able to clearly identify the things that bother them in everyday lives, then to be able to differentiate those into which they can change, and to have the courage to change those they can and accept those they cannot change.

“As woosh #4 pointed out: ‘We know what our problem is – we are wooshes, and like all other people we don’t like us. We also know that we cannot change what we are because once a woosh always a woosh. As God said to Adam: Some of thine offspring shall be borne as wooshes. God repeated this to Moses: And your sins will be visited onto the children of the third and fourth generation for them to be borne wooshes.

“Woosh #4 said that we know that we cannot change this, but we need not, like the alcoholics, accept the status. We must change what looks like impossible to change.

That was the time of the American government being anti mostly everything. They were anti communism; they were anti the hippies who were anti the war in Vietnam. They were not particularly keen on the Germans. Things have changed in that they are not anti-these things anymore. Just anti other people owning oil, or also owning nuclear bombs.

Woosh Wayne then explained that they needed to come up with a name. At first they wanted to follow the Alcoholics Anonymous considering Woosh Anonymous. Somehow this did not work: “I am John a Woosh, I have not had a beer for most of my life and do not smoke. I don’t play any sport because I always lose.”

Then they remembered that the foundation of their movement is that they are anti most things, so it sounded like a good idea to call it “Wooshes Against …”. Unfortunately when one completes this title with mostly anything the acronym for the organization became WANK or WASP, which they believed would be counter productive.

It was Woosh #5 who gained fame forever by mentioning that the other staff at Deloite and Tush stuck a notice on his door simply stating ‘Anal’ in big letters. He believed this had to do with his obsession on making correct ticks in an audit and him refusing to accept any audit from his juniors if the ticks were not in the prescribed format. He explained that this had nothing to do with being anal, but that it is professionalism.

Says Woosh Wayne: “We realized that if we simply claimed to be analysts then most people will believe we are annalists, a step up from accountants, which we mostly were.”


They all agreed that the popularity of AA is that it appears at the top of any directory that is alphabetically sorted and when people are looking for something to join then this is the first society they come across in the telephone book.

Woosh #5 believed that many people who are new in the country, or even new in a town, would look for some society to join to make contact with people and when they find AA as the first entry in the telephone directory they phone to join up. When they arrive at the meeting everybody stands up and introduces themselves: “Hi, I am John, I am an alcoholic” which must sound to the lonely new comer like people preparing for a big party.

Then they ask him to introduce himself, and in keeping with the party spirit he says: “I am Ivan Slurpalotabeer from Russia and I am also a great alcoholic well known in my country for my alcoholism.”. Then he is asked to tell them about his drinking escapades, and they listen with great awe as he adds a few untruths to his story. Soon these are his best friends, but he believes they sometimes over claim when they say they are alcoholics and he never sees them drinking. Eventually he believes they don’t like him because they obviously must have great parties that he is not invited to.

So by calling the organization Analists Against Anything Action Related to Sport (AAARS) they would be on the top of the telephone book, and really describe what they are about.

End Part 3