And then I came across Woosh Wayne’s son last year when I was in Europe.
This was at an airport where I had just the latest edition of TIME magazine which one can rely on to objectively report on the major issues of the day.
The real problem that issue reported on was that people are living longer than before!
Somehow there was now a real social conflict: we desire people to live long, we make it desirable in the way that products are marketed, and we even make laws that make it illegal to commit suicide via nicotine; but when they live long this is a problem of proportions that not only become front page on TIME magazine and even a plat form for the political parties that are voted into power?
So there I was sprawled on the seats at the Luxemburg airport perusing TIME and saw across the seat a young Woosh Wayne.
In essence what the article said was that the Baby Boom Generation of the 1940-50’is now about 60-70 years old in 2010. Instead of dying as nature intended they are now living to the age of 70, or 80, or 90.
Now there is a very real problem for societies like USA, England and Germany:
Too many people were created in the post war years,
And, they are not dying as they should.
I thought this was a very insightful lead story for TIME magazine.
I am a naturalist and believe in divine evolution. All species create more children in the next generation – more than the current generation. It is always two of the species that mate several times and create more than two off-springs in their lives. This is the divine purpose of evolution.
This way there are always more young people to till the lands and milk the cows so that they can care for the old and senile (retired). There will always be more cows to milk because they reproduce more than what they are every new generation. There will be enough corn to harvest because each produce and fertilise more than what they are in their generation. And there will be more bees to pollinate the wheat.
When the cows become too many they will either be eaten, or simply chased out of the kraal so that the lions can eat them. And as more cows are retired from the kraal there will be more lions in the next generation to care of all the surplus cows. Divine Evolution.
As Darwin explained: Everybody has the right to die! Even the weakest of the species.
Young Woosh Wayne (or Woosh Wayne the Younger) whom we shall refer to as Woosh Wayne the IIIrd opposite me noticed me reading the article and said as a conversation opener: “Well fuck all the old people in any case!”
I asked him whether he is any relation to Woosh Wayne, and he told me that it is his father. (“The Old Sod” he added, except he used a word much worse to describe the ‘old sod’.)
So I asked Woosh IIIrd what has happened to Woosh, my friend.
He told me (in his own words) that the old man is now about 90. He still jogs every morning, but has to use his zimmerframe to get around the block in about 40 minutes and as he does this he is incontinent.
I was not sure what he meant so I asked for an explanation and he explained that when one is incontinent using a zimmerframe to ‘jog’ around the block one leaves a stream of defication on the pavement.
What makes this even more embarrassing, Woosh IIIrd explained, is that the old fart (his dad) is the Honorary Lifelong Chairperson of the ‘Pick up the Dog Turds in New York’ Society.
I asked Woosh III whether he did not agree with me that it is truly a great achievement to be so old and still be able to jog, and whether he did not agree that Woosh had achieved a lot in his life.
Woosh III said: “Yes, he has achieved a lot in his life, but now he is simply a burden on his children.”
So I said to Woosh III: “Let’s not talk about Woosh, but let’s talk about you”. This was obviously a good move changing the topic to something that Woosh III loved.
“O, I am my father’s son, I am what he wanted me to be, he would be so proud of me if he was not dying of dementia.
“I jog 60 miles every week, I do not sully my lips with cigarettes, I drink sparkling mineral water from natural resources, I eat no fat, and alcohol is an abomination. I am the pinnacle of health. In fact, I can truly say that I do nothing that gives me painless pleasure.”
So I asked him the obvious question: “Why?”
Well, to the members of the Anal-ist society this might not be an obvious question. But, since I was not a member but merely interested in what had happened to Woosh Waynes philosophies I asked the un-askable question: Why.
Woosh III had the answer: “So that I can have a healthy long life!!”
When I said: “You mean that you can, when you are 90, jog around the blog using a Zimmerframe and leaving a stream of shit behind you?”
Woosh III gave me a very succinct answer: “You don’t understand!!!”.
I understood this to mean: Fuck Off.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Woosh 6: actually getting serious
He then also suggested that the other wooses should join him in investing in the stock of chemical companies that develop drugs which people will use to replace the effect of nicotine. After all there is a reason why 1/3rd of the world population in any country is self-medicating with nicotine. This reason might be Attention Deficit Disorder or Depression and if they deny themselves nicotine they will need other ways of control.
The effect on me of these interviews was overwhelming. I realized that I was in the presence of a man that was a brilliant strategist and a great word-crafter. If he was not an accountant he would have been a brilliant marketer since he built one some of the biggest brands of modern times: Jogging, Anti-Smoking, Eternal Health, etc.
He sold these brands to millions of people. He caused societies to change their views and life-styles. He even created laws.
His word-crafting is on a par with people like Hitler, Stalin and George Bush. All people that created wars from words and ideas. Even Thatcher.
In South Africa a young girl inspired by vision (dream) will be remembered for being a young girl who had a vision and convinced a large part of the Xhosa population to walk into the sea. So was there a young girl in France who will be remembered for her crusade which killed a lot of people. And then there was the preacher that had his whole commune drink poison killing all of them. History has a number of people who were mis-guided and simply caused mayhem by being able to convince people to believe them.
Woosh Wayne will be remembered for setting free the wooses of the world, and in the process affecting the lives of millions.
I felt saddened that his children are now complaining that he has become a burden on them and society, living on health care and having to be looked after in his mindless state with so few memories of his great achievements left by Alsheimers. Such a sad fate for such a great mind.
The effect on me of these interviews was overwhelming. I realized that I was in the presence of a man that was a brilliant strategist and a great word-crafter. If he was not an accountant he would have been a brilliant marketer since he built one some of the biggest brands of modern times: Jogging, Anti-Smoking, Eternal Health, etc.
He sold these brands to millions of people. He caused societies to change their views and life-styles. He even created laws.
His word-crafting is on a par with people like Hitler, Stalin and George Bush. All people that created wars from words and ideas. Even Thatcher.
In South Africa a young girl inspired by vision (dream) will be remembered for being a young girl who had a vision and convinced a large part of the Xhosa population to walk into the sea. So was there a young girl in France who will be remembered for her crusade which killed a lot of people. And then there was the preacher that had his whole commune drink poison killing all of them. History has a number of people who were mis-guided and simply caused mayhem by being able to convince people to believe them.
Woosh Wayne will be remembered for setting free the wooses of the world, and in the process affecting the lives of millions.
I felt saddened that his children are now complaining that he has become a burden on them and society, living on health care and having to be looked after in his mindless state with so few memories of his great achievements left by Alsheimers. Such a sad fate for such a great mind.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Woosh 5 - the first anti-everything victories
By now there were so many wooshes finding a new life in the self-created respect they get as joggers that they can get the conversation theme introduced into New York at quick notice and we all know that when everyone says something then it must be true.
“How did you enjoy your jog this morning?”
“Well last nights beer made me burp little beer bubbles all the way”
“The beer from last night was so heavy in my stomach”
Once this became common talk in bars it was a small step to say to the barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water instead of a beer tonight? I have to jog tomorrow”
It is said that when John Wayne walked into the bar and heard Woosh #4 saying this to the barman he said to Chuck Norris: “I refuse to save his life in my next film”. Chuck said to Bruce Lee: “Kill him! He knows my name.”
Rmemeber I told in Part 1 (now in the archives) what John Wayne, Chuck Norris etc. has to do with the Wooshes and how it all started.
But then Arnold arrived and said ‘Nhhh’ and Bruce understood this to mean: “Don’t kill him’. Then Arnold said to the Barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water, please?”
Van Damme asked Arnold whether he has gone soft in the head, and Arnold said: ‘To the contrary my friend. I have been thinking. If a cowboy actor can become a president then everything is possible in America. I think that an actor that has saved America from more disaster than Reagan, and even from future disasters that are yet to occur, can also become president”. By this he meant himself, and thus started the political aspirations of Arnold.
‘Did you know that Dirty Harry has become a mayor of a town? And he only killed one or two guys at a time in his movies? I intend to act a robotic cop with a big macine gun that has a limitless supply of bullets and kill everything that threatens American citizens. If I do this well they might even erect a place in Disney world where people can come and pay homage to me. Then I can also become a president. Did you know that presidents do not have to act about how they kill people? They just declare war!”
Chuck Norris said: “Thou has truly gonest soft in the head. Even I, Chuck Norris, do not think such stupid thoughts. You dream on, I will rather dream of Pamela Anderson”.
Again, I stress, that she was not even born at the time of this conversation. But then we all know that Chuck Norris knows everything so he might have been talking with great foresight. Except then he would have had much more respect for Arnold’s dreams.
Woosh Wayne pointed out that the tactic to order water with gas in it in bars was so successful due to pressure from wooshes on other wooshes that the beer companies had to make tasteless beers to compete with water.
The association’s victories to date could by no means be considered trivial:
Jogging was now fashionable. Wooshes could now do something that requires no skill or ability other than being able to crunch oneself into the joggers crunch and then shuffling your feet. For this they get great acclaim and people looking at them with the same awe that is reserved for Chuck Norris killing a 100 gooks, except that everybody knows chuck was only acting. (The only flaw in this achievement is that they have not managed to pass a law to stop the killing of gooks.)
Dogs could not crap in the streets of New York. The real achievement is that this time they managed to pass a law, against dogs passing turds on the street. The only flaw in this trophy was that the dogs could not really talk back. It was heard, on the streets, that some dogs were saying: “You could not walk anywhere in the days when horses crapped in the streets, and there was no pollution from stinking car gasses, and no-one complained.” But since dogs can’t talk these canine observations went largely unheard.
It is also true that this was not an international achievement. The dogs in all the major cities of Europe can still do what they naturally do where they feel like doing it. Or, where horses used to do it before cars started to pollute the place.
People were now drinking tasteless beers and gassed water in bars. The major achievement is that the Association changed the whole economy of their country and big breweries eventually had to be sold to small countries like South African Breweries. The Association now knew they can break economies! But still the big prize eluded them: a law against everyone, in all countries.
The associations founding fathers, and they were by now at the age where they should have been fathers, the only problem was all the jogging had reduced their sperm count to -1, had to think a lot about how they can achieve the ‘big one’.
According to Woosh Wayne the inspiration really came from them recalling that Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne in the nuts. In retrospect they felt that this was because Chuck did not like John. Admittedly this would have been a Freudian repressed dislike because of a regressed Oedipus complex. Since Chuck asked John to put down his cigarette before he kicked John nearly in the nuts it was felt that this Oedipus complex arose from a secret dislike that Chuck had of cigarettes.
There were some obvious realities that the association had to face.
An obvious strategy would have been to tell people that John Wayne was a smoker that died of lung cancer and try to rally people against smoking on this issue. But then Ronald Reagan was a famous cowboy actor and even a president who advertised cigarettes and was simply lingering on with Alsheimers – and no-one had yet even thought of accusing cigarettes of causing Alsheimers.
In any case, since Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne nearly in the nuts the association was not sure whether he – as the real founder member – would appreciate the association building John Waynes reputation.
So the founding wooshes of the association sat in a circle sucking on their drinking straws in a bar and gave the matter a lot more thought.
They considered doing to cigarettes what they did to beer, but this appeared to be less rewarding since they had already succeeded in making people drink tasteless beer. There was no real point to prove, and the cigarette companies were already producing tasteless cigarettes without nicotine.
They also felt that while people were drinking tasteless beers in bars, they have not really achieved there total objective – total abstinence.
Woosh #2 sugested: “The way to go has to be a composite attack on all fronts. We must involve civil liberties and social responsibility. We must get as close to human rights because this was very powerful at the time of the French Revolution. What worked for Voltaire can work for us. We have to go for the Freedom of the Individual, it is what American like to hear, and sounds great in third world countries – if we really want to make this an international achievement.”
Woosh #4 pontificated: “We have a president that was very popular until his cigar made him do funny things to Monica. Maybe if we give the people reason to blame the cigar we can subconsciously get them to blame cigarettes.”
Woosh #5 nused: “We have very few members of our association in third world countries. One does not see them jogging around the block – or wheatfield, or kraal, or whatever. In fact the Kenyans insist on winning marathons and that is not in the spirit of running around the place not to win.”
Woosh #4 suggested: “But we have the United Nations here dishing out aid. I don’t really understand how we can have this massive international debt and still be dishing out aid, but surely this is a way we can make those third world countries behave.”
Woosh #3 added to this: “One should probably think of the UK as being one of those as well. Not that they take aid, but one can hardly think of them being first world like we are? Remember the UK includes the Irish.”
On this point Woose Waynes recollections were very clear, and since they accord with the known facts no-one can argue. Woosh #1 one summarized the views into a strategy:
“Remember how when we started this association we looked at the AA prayer and found the mistake in their reasoning being that one has to accept the things one cannot change?
“The mistake everyone makes is to think that smoking is a human right and that everyone has a right to choose.
“All we have to do is base our strategy on civil liberties and freedom.
“We have the right to choose not to smoke and therefore they are infringing on our rights. This means they must stop smoking. We are not infringing on their rights, they are infringing on our rights.
“We don’t use Reagan or John Wayne as spoke-persons. We have enough movie actors drinking water with gas in bars. We just influence them to not smoke in movies – and make everyone aware that they don’t smoke in movies. Thus by making aware of what they are not doing they are all spokespeople for us. The more they drink, swear, screw and show blood the more obvious it will be that they are not smoking
“We tell the UN and the world bank, who are not achieving anything in terms of alleviating poverty or AIDS or world food shortages or climate change that they can also become winners. After all we made wooses winners; we can do this for the UN and World Bank. We tell them to focus on anti-smoking laws in countries that want aid!! We will get our laws into countries that no-one has ever heard of.
“UK is easy. We just tell them. They will do what America asks. I am certain that if we ask them to go to war they will do so as a favour to us. We just need to give them an excuse in clever words. Something like: There are weapons of mass destruction lurking there. Come to think of this, why not try it someday? Then we can achieve a new objective.
“The rest of the British Isles are simple to get sorted out. The Irish and Scotts have brains addled by scotch, Guiness and whatever they can find that has alcohol. We just tell them it is a good idea to make laws against smoking and they will do it, as long as we do not touch their rights to drink.
“Once we get the Irish to do this, we just tell the English that they are lagging behind and they will also make laws against smoking in their pubs simply so that they also appear to be civilized.
“And we can base all of this again on our general play on people’s need to live forever. The churches have all shown this is the most powerful driving force out there, one that is much stronger than the need to enjoy life, or have fun, or have a good quality of life drink, have sex, etc.
“QED.
For the benefit of the other wooses Woose #1 explained that QED means ‘Quite Easily Done’.
END PART 5
“How did you enjoy your jog this morning?”
“Well last nights beer made me burp little beer bubbles all the way”
“The beer from last night was so heavy in my stomach”
Once this became common talk in bars it was a small step to say to the barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water instead of a beer tonight? I have to jog tomorrow”
It is said that when John Wayne walked into the bar and heard Woosh #4 saying this to the barman he said to Chuck Norris: “I refuse to save his life in my next film”. Chuck said to Bruce Lee: “Kill him! He knows my name.”
Rmemeber I told in Part 1 (now in the archives) what John Wayne, Chuck Norris etc. has to do with the Wooshes and how it all started.
But then Arnold arrived and said ‘Nhhh’ and Bruce understood this to mean: “Don’t kill him’. Then Arnold said to the Barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water, please?”
Van Damme asked Arnold whether he has gone soft in the head, and Arnold said: ‘To the contrary my friend. I have been thinking. If a cowboy actor can become a president then everything is possible in America. I think that an actor that has saved America from more disaster than Reagan, and even from future disasters that are yet to occur, can also become president”. By this he meant himself, and thus started the political aspirations of Arnold.
‘Did you know that Dirty Harry has become a mayor of a town? And he only killed one or two guys at a time in his movies? I intend to act a robotic cop with a big macine gun that has a limitless supply of bullets and kill everything that threatens American citizens. If I do this well they might even erect a place in Disney world where people can come and pay homage to me. Then I can also become a president. Did you know that presidents do not have to act about how they kill people? They just declare war!”
Chuck Norris said: “Thou has truly gonest soft in the head. Even I, Chuck Norris, do not think such stupid thoughts. You dream on, I will rather dream of Pamela Anderson”.
Again, I stress, that she was not even born at the time of this conversation. But then we all know that Chuck Norris knows everything so he might have been talking with great foresight. Except then he would have had much more respect for Arnold’s dreams.
Woosh Wayne pointed out that the tactic to order water with gas in it in bars was so successful due to pressure from wooshes on other wooshes that the beer companies had to make tasteless beers to compete with water.
The association’s victories to date could by no means be considered trivial:
Jogging was now fashionable. Wooshes could now do something that requires no skill or ability other than being able to crunch oneself into the joggers crunch and then shuffling your feet. For this they get great acclaim and people looking at them with the same awe that is reserved for Chuck Norris killing a 100 gooks, except that everybody knows chuck was only acting. (The only flaw in this achievement is that they have not managed to pass a law to stop the killing of gooks.)
Dogs could not crap in the streets of New York. The real achievement is that this time they managed to pass a law, against dogs passing turds on the street. The only flaw in this trophy was that the dogs could not really talk back. It was heard, on the streets, that some dogs were saying: “You could not walk anywhere in the days when horses crapped in the streets, and there was no pollution from stinking car gasses, and no-one complained.” But since dogs can’t talk these canine observations went largely unheard.
It is also true that this was not an international achievement. The dogs in all the major cities of Europe can still do what they naturally do where they feel like doing it. Or, where horses used to do it before cars started to pollute the place.
People were now drinking tasteless beers and gassed water in bars. The major achievement is that the Association changed the whole economy of their country and big breweries eventually had to be sold to small countries like South African Breweries. The Association now knew they can break economies! But still the big prize eluded them: a law against everyone, in all countries.
The associations founding fathers, and they were by now at the age where they should have been fathers, the only problem was all the jogging had reduced their sperm count to -1, had to think a lot about how they can achieve the ‘big one’.
According to Woosh Wayne the inspiration really came from them recalling that Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne in the nuts. In retrospect they felt that this was because Chuck did not like John. Admittedly this would have been a Freudian repressed dislike because of a regressed Oedipus complex. Since Chuck asked John to put down his cigarette before he kicked John nearly in the nuts it was felt that this Oedipus complex arose from a secret dislike that Chuck had of cigarettes.
There were some obvious realities that the association had to face.
An obvious strategy would have been to tell people that John Wayne was a smoker that died of lung cancer and try to rally people against smoking on this issue. But then Ronald Reagan was a famous cowboy actor and even a president who advertised cigarettes and was simply lingering on with Alsheimers – and no-one had yet even thought of accusing cigarettes of causing Alsheimers.
In any case, since Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne nearly in the nuts the association was not sure whether he – as the real founder member – would appreciate the association building John Waynes reputation.
So the founding wooshes of the association sat in a circle sucking on their drinking straws in a bar and gave the matter a lot more thought.
They considered doing to cigarettes what they did to beer, but this appeared to be less rewarding since they had already succeeded in making people drink tasteless beer. There was no real point to prove, and the cigarette companies were already producing tasteless cigarettes without nicotine.
They also felt that while people were drinking tasteless beers in bars, they have not really achieved there total objective – total abstinence.
Woosh #2 sugested: “The way to go has to be a composite attack on all fronts. We must involve civil liberties and social responsibility. We must get as close to human rights because this was very powerful at the time of the French Revolution. What worked for Voltaire can work for us. We have to go for the Freedom of the Individual, it is what American like to hear, and sounds great in third world countries – if we really want to make this an international achievement.”
Woosh #4 pontificated: “We have a president that was very popular until his cigar made him do funny things to Monica. Maybe if we give the people reason to blame the cigar we can subconsciously get them to blame cigarettes.”
Woosh #5 nused: “We have very few members of our association in third world countries. One does not see them jogging around the block – or wheatfield, or kraal, or whatever. In fact the Kenyans insist on winning marathons and that is not in the spirit of running around the place not to win.”
Woosh #4 suggested: “But we have the United Nations here dishing out aid. I don’t really understand how we can have this massive international debt and still be dishing out aid, but surely this is a way we can make those third world countries behave.”
Woosh #3 added to this: “One should probably think of the UK as being one of those as well. Not that they take aid, but one can hardly think of them being first world like we are? Remember the UK includes the Irish.”
On this point Woose Waynes recollections were very clear, and since they accord with the known facts no-one can argue. Woosh #1 one summarized the views into a strategy:
“Remember how when we started this association we looked at the AA prayer and found the mistake in their reasoning being that one has to accept the things one cannot change?
“The mistake everyone makes is to think that smoking is a human right and that everyone has a right to choose.
“All we have to do is base our strategy on civil liberties and freedom.
“We have the right to choose not to smoke and therefore they are infringing on our rights. This means they must stop smoking. We are not infringing on their rights, they are infringing on our rights.
“We don’t use Reagan or John Wayne as spoke-persons. We have enough movie actors drinking water with gas in bars. We just influence them to not smoke in movies – and make everyone aware that they don’t smoke in movies. Thus by making aware of what they are not doing they are all spokespeople for us. The more they drink, swear, screw and show blood the more obvious it will be that they are not smoking
“We tell the UN and the world bank, who are not achieving anything in terms of alleviating poverty or AIDS or world food shortages or climate change that they can also become winners. After all we made wooses winners; we can do this for the UN and World Bank. We tell them to focus on anti-smoking laws in countries that want aid!! We will get our laws into countries that no-one has ever heard of.
“UK is easy. We just tell them. They will do what America asks. I am certain that if we ask them to go to war they will do so as a favour to us. We just need to give them an excuse in clever words. Something like: There are weapons of mass destruction lurking there. Come to think of this, why not try it someday? Then we can achieve a new objective.
“The rest of the British Isles are simple to get sorted out. The Irish and Scotts have brains addled by scotch, Guiness and whatever they can find that has alcohol. We just tell them it is a good idea to make laws against smoking and they will do it, as long as we do not touch their rights to drink.
“Once we get the Irish to do this, we just tell the English that they are lagging behind and they will also make laws against smoking in their pubs simply so that they also appear to be civilized.
“And we can base all of this again on our general play on people’s need to live forever. The churches have all shown this is the most powerful driving force out there, one that is much stronger than the need to enjoy life, or have fun, or have a good quality of life drink, have sex, etc.
“QED.
For the benefit of the other wooses Woose #1 explained that QED means ‘Quite Easily Done’.
END PART 5
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