To read part 1, where Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris for kicking John Wayne in the balls, click on archive. Now read further:
Since we all know that Chuck Norris cannot be killed he shrugged at Bruce Lee and muttered something about ‘stupid gook’ and told Woosh #2 that it was all an accident. (He then explained that what he meant was: he, Chuck Norris, kicking John Wayne in the stomach was the accident, not Bruce Lee killing him, Chuck, because that was not an accident but because, he, Bruce Lee, is a stupid gook.)
‘Nhh’ Arnold added to show that he understood. To understand this in joke you need to read part 1.
Van Damme, the muscles from Brussels, probably the cleverest of the actors since he even has muscles for brains, said: “Hey guys, we have real wooshes here, with a real problem. Maybe we can help them in real life”.
‘Nhh’ Said Arnold ‘I hate wooshes’.
Van Damme asked woosh #2 what he sees as being the problem. To which the answer was “Everybody looks down on us!! Just look around the bar. Everybody drinks beer and we have drink shandies so it looks like we drink beer! We even have to sit with drinking straws in our hands so people think we smoke.”
‘Nhhh’ Said Arnold. “So we get to kill all the people in the bar?”
Chuck, always reasonable, modified the idea “It is illegal to kill them. But, we can kick them all in the balls!. John, you start with the big guys on the left, they look like bikers. I will take the fancy ones with the leathers over here. They are small enough to be gooks.”
So Bruce Lee expertly killed Chuck again saying “No-one uses the g-word in my company”.
And Arnold said “No-one calls me a swartsenegger.”
Van Damme (as Jean-Claude van Damme is affectionately known by his fans) wisely said “Lets talk about this.”
The wooshes and the movie stars gathered around one table as Woosh #1 explained “We do not get the sexy blondes at school, only the ones with no tits and lots of brains who want to remain virgins until some-one marries them. Since no-one wants to marry us we are the last left and then they resentfully gives us a look in. They then resent us and we end up washing dishes and baby sit.”
“At school we end up head-boys because all the other kids want someone in that job that they can beat up for reporting them when they smoke in the toilets.” He continues.
“Worst of all we never get on the track team, this is where one gets the big-titted blonds, because all the events require one to run fast. Even the long-distance events still expect you to be the fastest over the distance”.
‘Nhh’ said Arnold.
Chuck Norris felt he needed to contribute something because it has been a long time since anyone gave him any attention, the last time was when Bruce Lee killed him the second time. So he contributed “I always say ‘If you can’t beat them, join them.’”
What he probably meant was that since he can beat everybody he never needs to join anybody.
Woosh #3 became very excited “That’s it! That’s the answer! You guys must join us!”
‘Fuck that for a lark’ said Arnold, revealing his Austrian culture.
‘Who do I defend then? In the movies, I mean’ said John Wayne.
‘I will kill you if you suggest this again’ Said Bruce Lee, and killed Chuck Norris again because he thought this is what Chuck suggested.
Van Damme just flexed a few muscles to show what he thought of the idea.
The movie stars realizing that people might think they are joining the wooshes because they were sitting at the wooshes table quickly found themselves a table as far away from the woosh table as they could find.
Woosh #2 shouted across the bar at Chuck “Thank you! You are my friend for life!”
Chuck murmured at Bruce Lee: “Please Kill Me”.
Woosh Wayne, who believes he was Woosh #1, then led the group as they worked out their 10 point strategy:
If you can’t beat them, which obviously the wooshes had no chance of doing, then make them join the wooshes! This is rule number one and forms the whole basis of the plan. Never to be ignored.
Invent a track and field game that does not rely on skill, strength or stamina. IF it also does not rely on co-ordination then so much better. Make sure that time is not part of the rules. In fact make sure that winning is not even mentioned. Just suggest that ‘it is all about participating’.
Jogging is the ideal candidate since it meets all these requirements.
Since wooshes never smoke – at least those at the first meeting sucking their drinking straws did not – make it a pre-requisite that to join one must stop smoking.
Obviously there has to be a real incentive for joining. Use the one thing that people has always wanted. Eternal Life?
After smoking the next step is to go for beer. The ultimate would be beer that does not taste like beer.
Recognise that all great religions survived by abstinence. So we need to make people sacrifice something – what about tasty food. Promote ‘lite’.
Since our wives despise us and use us for housework lets sanctify the term ‘houseman’.
I know there are only 8 points in this 10 point strategy, but Woosh Wayne could not remember the rest.
End Part 2.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Woosh’s story 1: Or, How the non-smokers won the battle of Ellis Park and all rugby stadia, When non-smoking wooshes don’t ever go there!
This is a longish story – about 3 episodes.
Woosh Wayne told me this in a private conversation. His real name is not Woosh but John, for obvious reasons he prefers not to be called John Wayne and had his name legally changed on his seventieth birthday as a present to himself.
Woosh was about 85 when he told me this story – he looked a healthy 105. The telling took about five days because Whooshes’ memory went wandering most of the time. When it was not wandering it was jogging. It was also very difficult to identify fact from fiction, so some of this account includes my wishful thinking, and some might be Woosh’s wishful memory.
At the time Woosh was trying to recruit me for the analyst society. I became interested because I thought it was the annalist’s society.
The benefits of the society, Woosh explained, are that one live for nearly ever if one follow the analyst lifestyle.
‘Look at me’ Woosh said, lifting his head from his hips where it had gone too as a result of the Jogging Posture. ‘I am still jogging at the age of 85. Pass me my Zimmer frame so I can show you – the sports model with the big wheels.’
‘Some people say that I am a waste of the tax-payers money. But these are all young people that work and pay tax. I worked until I was 55, a full 30 years of productivity. This means that I have now been retired for 30 years, and living on the state-pension, and health care should not bother them. My children say that I only worked from age 25 – having been taken care of by my parents before then, and had a subsidized education. They claim that I have now not contributed to the economy for 55 years. But they just say this because they would like me to die.’
‘Look at my son. He smoked and ended in hospital for 3 months before dying – what an irresponsible waste of the tax-payers money!’
I quote this to explain how difficult it was to get to the real story when Woosh kept up such obviously illogical arguments.
The Analyst Society, according to Woosh Wayne, was founded in a bar in NewYork.
4 Wooshes were having beer-shandies (beer and lemonade mixed – in those days there was no such thing as lite beer). They were drinking shandies because this allowed them to have a beer in front of them, while they were drinking lemonade. They all found the taste of beer (even Millers) very overwhelming.
One of the wooshes worked for Deloite and Tush, the other one also. Two worked for Deloite and Douche. This was before the two companies merged. At first the new management considered naming the new company Tush and Douche, but then decided against this.
Woosh #1 (Woosh could not remember any of the other wooshes’ names) was the debits auditor clerk because he was left handed, and Woosh #2 did credits, for obvious reasons.
They were all discussing the relative merits of the ticks they make when auditing. Seems that at Deloits and Tuch the company style was a tick that started with a short up line, then a strong down line and a tapering up line. At Deloit and Douch the up line was not included.
At a nearby table, drinking beer and smoking, was John Wayne. For the younger readers we need to mention that John Wayne was a famous cowboy movie actor. In all his movies there would invariably be a lemonade drinker in the bar when John Wayne arrives in town, at some stage the lemonade drinker will experience some life-threatening problem like a big bad guy wanting to kick him around, John Wayne would calmly stub out his cigarette, kill the bad guy, and kiss the beautiful blond.
This was a basic theme for all John Wayne’s movies. One must remember these were the days before AIDS so kissing was shown in movies rather than the full act of making love. These days, of course it would be politically incorrect showing John Wayne (or any movie hero) stubbing out his cigarette before beating the bad guy using the unspoken Queensbury rules of the Wild West. These days a non-smoking John Wayne will kick the living shit out of the bad guy, aiming mostly to kick him in the balls while swearing loudly about Mothafucka and then end up fucking the blond.
But, back to the bar in New York. With John Wayne being at a nearby table the 4 wooshes felt relatively save because it was known that John Wayne has a soft spot for wooshes.
At John Wayne’s table was Chuck Norris. Even in the 60’s which is when this happened, Chuck looked like he does today. We all know that Chuck Norris does not age, so he looked the same then as he does now. He is also known for saving wooshes when he is not busy saving all of the USA. (Maybe there is not much difference in these two jobs).
Also at John Wayne’s table was Jean-Claude van Dam and Arnold Swartsenneger, according to Woosh Wayne, but since they would have been young and living in Brussels and Austria at the time it is possible that this was just Woosh Wayne’s fanciful memory. However, it is true that both of them soon after the sixties embarked on careers saving wooshes and Americans (preferably USA Americans) they might very well have been there at the time.
The movie stars were discussing ways they use to get rid of the bad guys.
John Wayne was explaining: ‘So after the scene in which I get to say “Look at all them Injuns” we went to the bar scene where there was this bad guy. I bopped him one on the snout, and some other guy hit him over the head with a chair. I wish they would allow me to do this just once, but it is always some scruffy guy that gets this role, and I have to be shaven because the director says to not be shaven will be bad for my image.
‘After he is hit by the chair he pulls out a knife. I am also not allowed to use a knife in movies’, complained John Wayne. ‘So I pull my gun and shoot him – somewhere where there is no blood in his body. Then I get to kiss the girl – no tongue.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing why he does not get speaking parts in movies.
Chuck then gave his opinion ‘John, these are the old days of movie fighting. Pretty soon we will do it differently. First we will have a gook shoot us so we are full of blood and obviously dying. Then we will kick him in the balls several times, shoot him with a machine gun, cut his throat, hand him a hand-grenade with a drawn pin and, then we will fuck the blond.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing of his oratory skills.
John Wayne expressed his desires for things to change so that he can make movies like this one day.
Chuck warned him that things will not be as great as what they sound like “We will get to call them gooks, or dirty commies, but only the black actors will be allowed to call the bad guy a mothafucka. And even the bad guys will not get to screw Pamela Anderson.”
At this point Bruce Lee joined the table so they had to stop complaining about being able to call the bad guys chinks or gooks.
At John Waynes request Chuck demonstrated his well rehearsed ‘ball-kicking technique’. First he stubbed out his cigarette and asked John Wayne to stop smoking. Then he aimed a solid kick at John Waynes balls. Probably due to the beer he missed and slammed his foot into John’s stomach.
Expelling all his breath, and a mighty expel it was, John said “Wooooosh”.
At this point Woosh #1 interrupted his arguments pro-ticks-with-less-emphasized-up-strokes to exclaim: “It really Pees me off when someone calls me a woosh”.
Woosh #2 siad to Chuck Norris: “You guys are supposed to protect us wooshes! Why do you now go around calling my friend a woosh behind his back? Maybe you should kick John Wayne in the balls for calling my friend a woosh.”
Bruce Lee, who did not understand the conversation between John Wayne and Chuck Norris just saw Chuck Norris trying to (very poorly) kick John Wayne in the balls. So he jumped up, and with one delicate karate chop killed Chuck Norris.
This is the story that Woosh Wayne told me, but remember that he was 80 and had the memory of a 3 year old because of his healthy living. I mean the healthy living caused him to be 80 years old, not necessarily contributed to his memory problems. (Or, rather, his lack of memory problems).
End of Part 1.
Woosh Wayne told me this in a private conversation. His real name is not Woosh but John, for obvious reasons he prefers not to be called John Wayne and had his name legally changed on his seventieth birthday as a present to himself.
Woosh was about 85 when he told me this story – he looked a healthy 105. The telling took about five days because Whooshes’ memory went wandering most of the time. When it was not wandering it was jogging. It was also very difficult to identify fact from fiction, so some of this account includes my wishful thinking, and some might be Woosh’s wishful memory.
At the time Woosh was trying to recruit me for the analyst society. I became interested because I thought it was the annalist’s society.
The benefits of the society, Woosh explained, are that one live for nearly ever if one follow the analyst lifestyle.
‘Look at me’ Woosh said, lifting his head from his hips where it had gone too as a result of the Jogging Posture. ‘I am still jogging at the age of 85. Pass me my Zimmer frame so I can show you – the sports model with the big wheels.’
‘Some people say that I am a waste of the tax-payers money. But these are all young people that work and pay tax. I worked until I was 55, a full 30 years of productivity. This means that I have now been retired for 30 years, and living on the state-pension, and health care should not bother them. My children say that I only worked from age 25 – having been taken care of by my parents before then, and had a subsidized education. They claim that I have now not contributed to the economy for 55 years. But they just say this because they would like me to die.’
‘Look at my son. He smoked and ended in hospital for 3 months before dying – what an irresponsible waste of the tax-payers money!’
I quote this to explain how difficult it was to get to the real story when Woosh kept up such obviously illogical arguments.
The Analyst Society, according to Woosh Wayne, was founded in a bar in NewYork.
4 Wooshes were having beer-shandies (beer and lemonade mixed – in those days there was no such thing as lite beer). They were drinking shandies because this allowed them to have a beer in front of them, while they were drinking lemonade. They all found the taste of beer (even Millers) very overwhelming.
One of the wooshes worked for Deloite and Tush, the other one also. Two worked for Deloite and Douche. This was before the two companies merged. At first the new management considered naming the new company Tush and Douche, but then decided against this.
Woosh #1 (Woosh could not remember any of the other wooshes’ names) was the debits auditor clerk because he was left handed, and Woosh #2 did credits, for obvious reasons.
They were all discussing the relative merits of the ticks they make when auditing. Seems that at Deloits and Tuch the company style was a tick that started with a short up line, then a strong down line and a tapering up line. At Deloit and Douch the up line was not included.
At a nearby table, drinking beer and smoking, was John Wayne. For the younger readers we need to mention that John Wayne was a famous cowboy movie actor. In all his movies there would invariably be a lemonade drinker in the bar when John Wayne arrives in town, at some stage the lemonade drinker will experience some life-threatening problem like a big bad guy wanting to kick him around, John Wayne would calmly stub out his cigarette, kill the bad guy, and kiss the beautiful blond.
This was a basic theme for all John Wayne’s movies. One must remember these were the days before AIDS so kissing was shown in movies rather than the full act of making love. These days, of course it would be politically incorrect showing John Wayne (or any movie hero) stubbing out his cigarette before beating the bad guy using the unspoken Queensbury rules of the Wild West. These days a non-smoking John Wayne will kick the living shit out of the bad guy, aiming mostly to kick him in the balls while swearing loudly about Mothafucka and then end up fucking the blond.
But, back to the bar in New York. With John Wayne being at a nearby table the 4 wooshes felt relatively save because it was known that John Wayne has a soft spot for wooshes.
At John Wayne’s table was Chuck Norris. Even in the 60’s which is when this happened, Chuck looked like he does today. We all know that Chuck Norris does not age, so he looked the same then as he does now. He is also known for saving wooshes when he is not busy saving all of the USA. (Maybe there is not much difference in these two jobs).
Also at John Wayne’s table was Jean-Claude van Dam and Arnold Swartsenneger, according to Woosh Wayne, but since they would have been young and living in Brussels and Austria at the time it is possible that this was just Woosh Wayne’s fanciful memory. However, it is true that both of them soon after the sixties embarked on careers saving wooshes and Americans (preferably USA Americans) they might very well have been there at the time.
The movie stars were discussing ways they use to get rid of the bad guys.
John Wayne was explaining: ‘So after the scene in which I get to say “Look at all them Injuns” we went to the bar scene where there was this bad guy. I bopped him one on the snout, and some other guy hit him over the head with a chair. I wish they would allow me to do this just once, but it is always some scruffy guy that gets this role, and I have to be shaven because the director says to not be shaven will be bad for my image.
‘After he is hit by the chair he pulls out a knife. I am also not allowed to use a knife in movies’, complained John Wayne. ‘So I pull my gun and shoot him – somewhere where there is no blood in his body. Then I get to kiss the girl – no tongue.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing why he does not get speaking parts in movies.
Chuck then gave his opinion ‘John, these are the old days of movie fighting. Pretty soon we will do it differently. First we will have a gook shoot us so we are full of blood and obviously dying. Then we will kick him in the balls several times, shoot him with a machine gun, cut his throat, hand him a hand-grenade with a drawn pin and, then we will fuck the blond.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing of his oratory skills.
John Wayne expressed his desires for things to change so that he can make movies like this one day.
Chuck warned him that things will not be as great as what they sound like “We will get to call them gooks, or dirty commies, but only the black actors will be allowed to call the bad guy a mothafucka. And even the bad guys will not get to screw Pamela Anderson.”
At this point Bruce Lee joined the table so they had to stop complaining about being able to call the bad guys chinks or gooks.
At John Waynes request Chuck demonstrated his well rehearsed ‘ball-kicking technique’. First he stubbed out his cigarette and asked John Wayne to stop smoking. Then he aimed a solid kick at John Waynes balls. Probably due to the beer he missed and slammed his foot into John’s stomach.
Expelling all his breath, and a mighty expel it was, John said “Wooooosh”.
At this point Woosh #1 interrupted his arguments pro-ticks-with-less-emphasized-up-strokes to exclaim: “It really Pees me off when someone calls me a woosh”.
Woosh #2 siad to Chuck Norris: “You guys are supposed to protect us wooshes! Why do you now go around calling my friend a woosh behind his back? Maybe you should kick John Wayne in the balls for calling my friend a woosh.”
Bruce Lee, who did not understand the conversation between John Wayne and Chuck Norris just saw Chuck Norris trying to (very poorly) kick John Wayne in the balls. So he jumped up, and with one delicate karate chop killed Chuck Norris.
This is the story that Woosh Wayne told me, but remember that he was 80 and had the memory of a 3 year old because of his healthy living. I mean the healthy living caused him to be 80 years old, not necessarily contributed to his memory problems. (Or, rather, his lack of memory problems).
End of Part 1.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Lucky 10: Lucky meets politicians
LUCKY MEETS POLITICIANS
At the time that Lucky came to stay with us the country was entering its new era and the first multi-racial elections were looming.
The white National Party, having been in power since 1948, and having driven the reforms in the country and having called a referendum, now had to contest an open election.
No one expected them to really win, but then politicians never agree with a popular view, at least not when the popular view is that their party will not win.
It became a bit of a joke: White Afrikaner politicians, who had their parliament seats because the electorate in the past was white (the English people voted for the National party as hard as the Afrikaners, they just did not say that they did); now had to canvass for votes in the Black areas.
They did not live in the black areas; most of them had never been there in their lives, cannot speak the language of the voters, etc.
In the Old South Africa a Member of Parliament represented a specific constituency, and was supposed to look after the interest of the community that voted him into parliament. This really meant that the Member of Parliament was sort of also looking after the black people in the constituency, but they had no vote so they were not really important to the Member.
What happened in practice was that there always were some very safe seats, constituencies where the party can rely on winning the vote. These were often given to senior party members, who did not necessarily live in the constituency.
Sounds like normal politics? Nothing really changed in South Africa since then in any case, few ANC politicians live where their voters live, and in fact they do not represent a specific constituency in any case. The different parties are allocated a number of seats in parliament to be filled from their lists in terms of seniority. Thereby members are relieved from having to worry about the concerns of a specific constituency, and obviously the need to live among the constituents.
It is, of course, an interesting thought that in the New South Africa there is no more racism. This means that anyone can theoretically live in any area they like. In practice the black people of South Africa still live in the mainly black poorer areas that they lived in before. The New South Africa members of parliament live in the affluent areas, which are still predominantly white areas. But, since their constituents can theoretically also live there the politicians cannot be accused of not living in their constituencies.
However, back to the story about the elections and the National Party MPs that had to canvass votes in the black areas inside their constituencies where they have never been, and cannot even speak the language.
These politicians now had to make a show of trying to gain votes in the Black Areas.
We were friends with the Jan and Annette Bredenkamp. Jan Bredenkamp was the Member of Parliament for Florida – where he lived. It now fell on him to go and canvass votes in the Black townships.
Like a good White Afrikaans South African Male, he co-opted his wife.
(In fact, if I left out the words: “White, South African, Afrikaans” in the above sentence and just left the word “Male” the sentence would still be correct. I have discovered that White, South African, Afrikaans males are no different from other males anywhere in the world.)
So it came to pass that Annette was asked by the National Party to attend a rally inside Soweto. Soweto is Johannesburg’s sister city, which contains probably more people that the greater Johannesburg area, all of them black.
Most white people have never been inside Soweto and believe that it looks like some of the slums we see on television, like Harlem in New York. It is in fact not as bad, but it still is not a desirable area to live in.
A common joke in the Old South Africa was that the most suicidal thing a white person can do is to skateboard through Soweto singing “This Land is My Land!”
Some whites worked (and still work) in Soweto, and there was even a nightclub area that was known as “white by night”. I cannot remember any reports about a white person being mugged or treated badly in Soweto. But, for most whites Soweto was an area to be avoided.
So it came to pass that Annette had to go to a political rally for the National Party (what used to be the white apartheid party, and which is now trying to reposition itself as a party for the people) inside Soweto. Hearing about this Mariki, always game for some fun, decided to accompany her, and to take our two sons so they can see the reality of Soweto and politics.
Surprising as it might sound there were a large number of black people supporting the National Party and even were promoting the National Party in the run-up to the election. I cannot speculate as to their reasoning, but I was introduced to some and they were not uneducated or obviously retarded. They must have had their reasons in terms of how they saw the future of the country.
The black National Party politicians met Annette and Mariki at the border of Soweto, with a police escort. A police escort would not have been necessary for any whites in Soweto. Since no one could have guessed that they were representing the National Party it was not necessary to escort them either.
After w few miles into Soweto the police started to talk anxiously on the radio in their car, and explained that the National Party convoy of two cars must turn around immediately. There was a political march (riot) on its way and their lives are in danger.
But, by then it was too late.
In South Africa when blacks ‘march for political reasons’ they toy-toy. Toy toying is a sort of dance step that involves jerking the knees high, waving the arms and ululating at a high pitch. This is common to all countries of Africa. This particular crowd was toy toying to celebrate the expected victories of the ANC over the white National party in the coming elections.
Before Mariki and Annette’s convoy could be turned around the toy-toying mass was upon them. Leaving two white women and two children of whom one was black separated from the police vehicle that was there to protect them.
In any movie produced by Hollywood about Africa this would have been the making for a great slaughter of white women and children. The only thing that could have topped the dramatic potential of this moment would have been if it were white nuns in the car.
The crowd simply continued past the car.
A few noticed Lucky in the car and bent down to shout at him. Presumably that he should not be sitting in the car with a lot of whites. The person that was the most scared at the end of this experience was probably Lucky.
So they arrived at the National Party rally being conducted at a school hall where a lot of potential black supporters were waiting to hear the National Party promises for the coming elections.
Naturally being the only white women – in fact the only whites – they were the guests of honour and introduced to every dignitary at the function.
And this is where we get to the point of this story. Remember that we started of by saying how much grown ups respond positively to Charl and Lucky?
What struck Mariki was that as they were moved down the line being introduced to the dignitaries – first Annette, then Mariki, and then Charl and then Lucky – there was enthusiastic hand-shaking by all the dignitaries and very friendly conversation with all except Lucky.
After the speeches there was tea and biscuits for all, where Mariki commented to one of the women (black) that both Charl and Lucky did the right thing: they stepped up to the dignitary they are introduced to, offered a hand to be shaken, and looked them openly in their eyes. But Lucky’s offer was received with less enthusiasm than Charl’s.
She explained that Mariki has to understand how difficult it is to change cultures when the person that you are addressing is the same skin colour as yourself, or is obviously of the same culture as yourself.
To the black dignitaries at the meeting Charls behaviour was exactly what they expected and respected. As a result they responded positively to him. However, because Lucky was black they expected a different behaviour from him, and when his behaviour was white rather than black they were ill at ease and even confused.
To me this was an important lesson, and one I believe will stand all of us in good stead. So I will expand on this.
I started my own business back in 1984 and the fifth person that joined the company was Kenny Magobathu in 1985 as the driver. He is still the driver of the company 19 years later.
When he had worked for the company for about a decade I felt that we have sort of mutual respect and friendship – the type that develop when one works with someone for a long time.
It then started to bother me that when he needs the keys to my car to fill it with petrol he will not come and take it of my desk, but always ask someone else to get it.
It also bothered me that when he speaks to me he would seldom look me in the eyes, mostly looking down and occasionally glancing up. To my mind someone with integrity would look you straight in the eye, not deviously look at the ground all the time.
I asked my secretary to have a word with Kenny to change his behaviour because I don’t think he is a devious person, nor do I see the need for him to ask other people to speak on his behalf, or collect the car keys on his behalf for that matter. I was quite upset.
Kenny told my secretary to explain to me that he absolutely respects and love me. In fact he sees me as his father. In his culture however the body language is different from ours.
To look a person straight in the yes is a challenge, not a sign of respect. Similarly to stick out your hand and have a firm handshake is a challenge of power. Even to make a request directly to a person that you respect, and have the power to grant this wish to you is disrespectful – rather ask via another person that has his ear.
In fact this African custom is much closer to nature than our westernized custom of looking people straight in the eye. In nature when two males of a species (say dogs) meet then one will look away. If they both look each other straight in the eye they are issuing a challenge. Even with dogs you can demonstrate your dominance of a dog by looking him straight in the eye, but if it is a strange dog with a bad temperament then dog trainers advise you to look down and avoid prolonged eye contact.
It is the culture of black Africans that when they offer you something and you accept, they will thank you for accepting it. Black Africans do not stick their hands out aggressively to be shaken, they do not try to issue a challenge by giving you a firm grip, and they are not aggressively looking you straight in the eye when they do all these other aggressive things. The white Africans have not learned about this culture of the blacks.
This is a little anthropological lesson. But Charl and Luckys meeting with the black dignitaries in Soweto have a more profound lesson.
The dignitaries were expecting Charl to stick his hand out, look them in the eye and give a firm handshake, speak to them first saying ‘hello’ because he is white and that is the way that whites behave.
The dignitaries were expecting Lucky to not stick out his hand, to not say anything until spoken to, to not have a firm aggressive handshake, to not challenge them by looking them straight in the eye because he is black and this is how black children behave.
Black people have learned how to respond to white people by behaving like white people in terms of handshakes and eye contact. They understand the cultural differences, and adapt as and when required. White people have been slow at learning these things in South Africa – largely because they had no need to. They ascribed these things to customs rather than culture.
Lucky, at that stage, did not have a black culture, and was only starting to be introduced into a culture of sorts – white.
The dignitaries, even knowing that Lucky came to the meeting with whites, and that he lives with Mariki and Charl who behaved like whites could not adapt to a black child exhibiting a white culture. This, to my mind is again a form of racism – i.e. generalizing from the outward appearance what the behaviours would be like.
If you have read this far you might want to go to my website for some videos of South Africa in the period 1984-1994
http://www.erikdup.com/South_Africa__84-94.php
One of these found its way onto Youtube!
At the time that Lucky came to stay with us the country was entering its new era and the first multi-racial elections were looming.
The white National Party, having been in power since 1948, and having driven the reforms in the country and having called a referendum, now had to contest an open election.
No one expected them to really win, but then politicians never agree with a popular view, at least not when the popular view is that their party will not win.
It became a bit of a joke: White Afrikaner politicians, who had their parliament seats because the electorate in the past was white (the English people voted for the National party as hard as the Afrikaners, they just did not say that they did); now had to canvass for votes in the Black areas.
They did not live in the black areas; most of them had never been there in their lives, cannot speak the language of the voters, etc.
In the Old South Africa a Member of Parliament represented a specific constituency, and was supposed to look after the interest of the community that voted him into parliament. This really meant that the Member of Parliament was sort of also looking after the black people in the constituency, but they had no vote so they were not really important to the Member.
What happened in practice was that there always were some very safe seats, constituencies where the party can rely on winning the vote. These were often given to senior party members, who did not necessarily live in the constituency.
Sounds like normal politics? Nothing really changed in South Africa since then in any case, few ANC politicians live where their voters live, and in fact they do not represent a specific constituency in any case. The different parties are allocated a number of seats in parliament to be filled from their lists in terms of seniority. Thereby members are relieved from having to worry about the concerns of a specific constituency, and obviously the need to live among the constituents.
It is, of course, an interesting thought that in the New South Africa there is no more racism. This means that anyone can theoretically live in any area they like. In practice the black people of South Africa still live in the mainly black poorer areas that they lived in before. The New South Africa members of parliament live in the affluent areas, which are still predominantly white areas. But, since their constituents can theoretically also live there the politicians cannot be accused of not living in their constituencies.
However, back to the story about the elections and the National Party MPs that had to canvass votes in the black areas inside their constituencies where they have never been, and cannot even speak the language.
These politicians now had to make a show of trying to gain votes in the Black Areas.
We were friends with the Jan and Annette Bredenkamp. Jan Bredenkamp was the Member of Parliament for Florida – where he lived. It now fell on him to go and canvass votes in the Black townships.
Like a good White Afrikaans South African Male, he co-opted his wife.
(In fact, if I left out the words: “White, South African, Afrikaans” in the above sentence and just left the word “Male” the sentence would still be correct. I have discovered that White, South African, Afrikaans males are no different from other males anywhere in the world.)
So it came to pass that Annette was asked by the National Party to attend a rally inside Soweto. Soweto is Johannesburg’s sister city, which contains probably more people that the greater Johannesburg area, all of them black.
Most white people have never been inside Soweto and believe that it looks like some of the slums we see on television, like Harlem in New York. It is in fact not as bad, but it still is not a desirable area to live in.
A common joke in the Old South Africa was that the most suicidal thing a white person can do is to skateboard through Soweto singing “This Land is My Land!”
Some whites worked (and still work) in Soweto, and there was even a nightclub area that was known as “white by night”. I cannot remember any reports about a white person being mugged or treated badly in Soweto. But, for most whites Soweto was an area to be avoided.
So it came to pass that Annette had to go to a political rally for the National Party (what used to be the white apartheid party, and which is now trying to reposition itself as a party for the people) inside Soweto. Hearing about this Mariki, always game for some fun, decided to accompany her, and to take our two sons so they can see the reality of Soweto and politics.
Surprising as it might sound there were a large number of black people supporting the National Party and even were promoting the National Party in the run-up to the election. I cannot speculate as to their reasoning, but I was introduced to some and they were not uneducated or obviously retarded. They must have had their reasons in terms of how they saw the future of the country.
The black National Party politicians met Annette and Mariki at the border of Soweto, with a police escort. A police escort would not have been necessary for any whites in Soweto. Since no one could have guessed that they were representing the National Party it was not necessary to escort them either.
After w few miles into Soweto the police started to talk anxiously on the radio in their car, and explained that the National Party convoy of two cars must turn around immediately. There was a political march (riot) on its way and their lives are in danger.
But, by then it was too late.
In South Africa when blacks ‘march for political reasons’ they toy-toy. Toy toying is a sort of dance step that involves jerking the knees high, waving the arms and ululating at a high pitch. This is common to all countries of Africa. This particular crowd was toy toying to celebrate the expected victories of the ANC over the white National party in the coming elections.
Before Mariki and Annette’s convoy could be turned around the toy-toying mass was upon them. Leaving two white women and two children of whom one was black separated from the police vehicle that was there to protect them.
In any movie produced by Hollywood about Africa this would have been the making for a great slaughter of white women and children. The only thing that could have topped the dramatic potential of this moment would have been if it were white nuns in the car.
The crowd simply continued past the car.
A few noticed Lucky in the car and bent down to shout at him. Presumably that he should not be sitting in the car with a lot of whites. The person that was the most scared at the end of this experience was probably Lucky.
So they arrived at the National Party rally being conducted at a school hall where a lot of potential black supporters were waiting to hear the National Party promises for the coming elections.
Naturally being the only white women – in fact the only whites – they were the guests of honour and introduced to every dignitary at the function.
And this is where we get to the point of this story. Remember that we started of by saying how much grown ups respond positively to Charl and Lucky?
What struck Mariki was that as they were moved down the line being introduced to the dignitaries – first Annette, then Mariki, and then Charl and then Lucky – there was enthusiastic hand-shaking by all the dignitaries and very friendly conversation with all except Lucky.
After the speeches there was tea and biscuits for all, where Mariki commented to one of the women (black) that both Charl and Lucky did the right thing: they stepped up to the dignitary they are introduced to, offered a hand to be shaken, and looked them openly in their eyes. But Lucky’s offer was received with less enthusiasm than Charl’s.
She explained that Mariki has to understand how difficult it is to change cultures when the person that you are addressing is the same skin colour as yourself, or is obviously of the same culture as yourself.
To the black dignitaries at the meeting Charls behaviour was exactly what they expected and respected. As a result they responded positively to him. However, because Lucky was black they expected a different behaviour from him, and when his behaviour was white rather than black they were ill at ease and even confused.
To me this was an important lesson, and one I believe will stand all of us in good stead. So I will expand on this.
I started my own business back in 1984 and the fifth person that joined the company was Kenny Magobathu in 1985 as the driver. He is still the driver of the company 19 years later.
When he had worked for the company for about a decade I felt that we have sort of mutual respect and friendship – the type that develop when one works with someone for a long time.
It then started to bother me that when he needs the keys to my car to fill it with petrol he will not come and take it of my desk, but always ask someone else to get it.
It also bothered me that when he speaks to me he would seldom look me in the eyes, mostly looking down and occasionally glancing up. To my mind someone with integrity would look you straight in the eye, not deviously look at the ground all the time.
I asked my secretary to have a word with Kenny to change his behaviour because I don’t think he is a devious person, nor do I see the need for him to ask other people to speak on his behalf, or collect the car keys on his behalf for that matter. I was quite upset.
Kenny told my secretary to explain to me that he absolutely respects and love me. In fact he sees me as his father. In his culture however the body language is different from ours.
To look a person straight in the yes is a challenge, not a sign of respect. Similarly to stick out your hand and have a firm handshake is a challenge of power. Even to make a request directly to a person that you respect, and have the power to grant this wish to you is disrespectful – rather ask via another person that has his ear.
In fact this African custom is much closer to nature than our westernized custom of looking people straight in the eye. In nature when two males of a species (say dogs) meet then one will look away. If they both look each other straight in the eye they are issuing a challenge. Even with dogs you can demonstrate your dominance of a dog by looking him straight in the eye, but if it is a strange dog with a bad temperament then dog trainers advise you to look down and avoid prolonged eye contact.
It is the culture of black Africans that when they offer you something and you accept, they will thank you for accepting it. Black Africans do not stick their hands out aggressively to be shaken, they do not try to issue a challenge by giving you a firm grip, and they are not aggressively looking you straight in the eye when they do all these other aggressive things. The white Africans have not learned about this culture of the blacks.
This is a little anthropological lesson. But Charl and Luckys meeting with the black dignitaries in Soweto have a more profound lesson.
The dignitaries were expecting Charl to stick his hand out, look them in the eye and give a firm handshake, speak to them first saying ‘hello’ because he is white and that is the way that whites behave.
The dignitaries were expecting Lucky to not stick out his hand, to not say anything until spoken to, to not have a firm aggressive handshake, to not challenge them by looking them straight in the eye because he is black and this is how black children behave.
Black people have learned how to respond to white people by behaving like white people in terms of handshakes and eye contact. They understand the cultural differences, and adapt as and when required. White people have been slow at learning these things in South Africa – largely because they had no need to. They ascribed these things to customs rather than culture.
Lucky, at that stage, did not have a black culture, and was only starting to be introduced into a culture of sorts – white.
The dignitaries, even knowing that Lucky came to the meeting with whites, and that he lives with Mariki and Charl who behaved like whites could not adapt to a black child exhibiting a white culture. This, to my mind is again a form of racism – i.e. generalizing from the outward appearance what the behaviours would be like.
If you have read this far you might want to go to my website for some videos of South Africa in the period 1984-1994
http://www.erikdup.com/South_Africa__84-94.php
One of these found its way onto Youtube!
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