It was decided to launch the association at the Auditors 15th Competitive Conference held in the New York Hilton’s fifth floor in New York. This conference, held annually, was where auditors debated the merits of different styles of ticks. At that stage it was generally felt that the two Deloits companies, Doos and Douche, are the trendsetters in the debate. Many tickers felt that having two companies each arguing for one of the alternatives gave Deloits an unfair advantage, and therefore there were many papers presented which did not truly stay inside the limits of the debate, but which were aimed at attacking Deloits for being unfair.
The newly formed wooshes association was anti-competition in any form or fashion in its strategy formulation based on the view that when there is a competition then there are losers, and wooshes invariably are the biggest losers.
The tactic was to submit a paper in which it is pointed out that the Annual Competitive Conference is detrimental to all auditors because of the competitive nature which means there will be losers. Since this conference is attended 99.9% by wooshes it was believed that they will understand the desirability of not having a competition where there can be losers.
The title of the paper was: “The Chuck Norris non-competitive solution to competition between Auditors as pertaining to auditing ticks”. The key principle being that ‘if you can’t beat them join them’, which removes the element of competition.
The paper was to explain that a ‘group of wooshes’ had a meeting with Chuck Norris. The group would remain unnamed and it would not even be implied that they were auditing clerks. Chucks joining solution would be explained. (see part 2 of the story).
Still, not explaining that the authors think the audience is a bunch of wooshes the audience would be invited to leave the conference hall, and take on the posture that will in time become known as the joggers posture and shuffle around the block. It was made clear that the rules include that no-one was allowed to be first back in the room, because that would be competitive and the shuffle around the New York Hilton block will be a non-competitive event.
Thus a few surprised New York businessmen, some beggars and two hot dog vendors witnessed the first organized jogathon in history. In due course the anal-ist society re-branded this to ‘Fun Run’.
The time for papers at the convention was strictly 35 minutes. The jog took about 20 minutes due to the rule that no-one was allowed to come back first, which meant that everyone had to wait for everyone. Five minutes before the papers presentation was due to end everyone rushed in the hall simultaneously.
The last 5 minutes of the allotted time was spent with the auditing clerks being told to ask their neighbours how they felt after the jog, and on being told by their neighbours that they feel great to reflect on the benefit to wooshes that jogging has.
For the first time the assembled wooshes realized they did something approaching a physical activity which no sane person would do, and that they did not lose!
The presenters ran over their allotted time when they went on to explain to the audience that they can do this the rest of their lives. And especially that they should share this by asking each other every morning in the office or in bars, coffee shops or other public places about each others jogging. A list of suggested answers to this question was also proposed
‘How was your jog this morning?’
‘Great I never felt as alive as I do since I started to jog’
‘Jogging certainly clears ones mind’
‘Haven’t had such great sex before I started to jog’ (or since, but don’t mention this)
‘Love the New York polution in the morning’
‘Great family builder – I can leave the baby with the wife’
‘You should see Central Park at 8 in the morning before they remove the hobos and drunks, beautiful’
‘Saw Pamela Anderson jogging past me this morning’
Especially non-verifiable answers like the last one would be encouraged.
The assembled wooshes recognized that this will be a clear one-up on everyone in the bar, restaurant or public place where they are having this conversation. For the first time in their lives they will not only not be the losers, but will be the winners.
I think Woosh Wayne’s recollection of using Pamela Anderson in the last suggested answer line might be a bit faulty. They probably meant Pamela Ewing who acted in Dallas – a popular soapy at that time.
Thus in many auditing companies in New York this was the general tone of conversations. Pretty soon other wooshes recognized the benefits of jogging and took it up so they could also be non-losers.
The un-expected outcome of this tactic was that the 15th Competitive Conference was also the last. So strong was the appeal for a non-competitiveness to remove the disgrace of losing.
As jogging became the in-sport for non-competitive wooshes, the association could move on to implement other tactics aimed at banning things they did not do. Remember the principle was (and still is) very simple: if I don’t do it, let’s ban it!
The first was the banning of dogs doing what is natural on pavements. The wooshes were gaining in self-confidence, many joined their ranks. But they were still afraid to go against the non-wooshes, so they decided to target dogs as their first victims. Not that they had anything against dogs. In fact many had dogs. However, if they can win a victory against dogs they can obviously go for the big fish – smoking, drinking and having fun.
So the Association introduced a new theme into the analists conversation:
“How was your jog this morning?”
“I trod into a dog turd – it is so unpleasant”
“You should see all the dog turds in Central Park”
“Dog turds are so unnatural” (This is demonstrated by my spell-check saying there is no such word!)
We all know how easily they won the anti-dog turd in New York argument. Few appreciate the significance of their first anti-law!!
Tactic number three was to address the problem of having to order beer-shandies when what they really want is just lemonade.
End of part 4 – coming up: How they won the anti-smoking battle, not only in NY, but the world.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wooshes story 3: How the non-smoking jogging society got its name
Parts 1 and 2 has been archived. This is the story of how Woosh Wayne set up the anal-retentive society of non-smoking so that they can also have respect and how they decided on a name for the society. His story continues:
‘When we came together the next week, at the same table in the same bar, we had all given the matter a lot of thought and we started to strategize.
‘First on the agenda was to clarify our objectives.’ Said Woosh Wayne. “We started of with a lot of highfaluting words about how we want to benefit the human race and other thoughts. Eventually we realized that all we want was that people stop looking down on wooshes. To do this we had to make everybody a woosh, or make them despise those that are not wooshes. This was such a simple and honest objective so we settled for this.”
“For this to become a reality we needed people to subscribe to the objective and become a popular movement. We then discussed other movements that had become popular over time so that we can learn from their principles.
“Communism was an obvious one for us to take as a role model. They simply banned anything they did not like. They banned capitalism. They banned the church. They banned making money. They banned people enriching themselves. This worked for us because if we were communists in a communistic country we would simply ban people from making derogatory remarks about wooshes. We could ban fun things like smoking, beer, and blonds having sex with hulks.
“The church was a good contender for a role model. They banned sex, mostly. They banned anything that the hulks enjoy. They also taught that one should love thy neighbor, but what we wanted was more than just neighborly love. We wanted people to love wooshes, and aspire to become wooshes. At least the church had managed to ban smoking and beer drinking in church.
“The American government was a good potential candidate. But they were very liberal and allowed people to do what they want, which was not quite what we wanted because anti-wooshism will continue if people have a free choice. In fact it is the result of this freedom that we had our problem. One of us knew that the democratic USA had more laws then the Russian communists, so this made them even more attractive as an organization to emulate.
“The organization that we felt most attracted to was the Alcoholics Anonymous. This was because of their prayer which asks God for them to be able to clearly identify the things that bother them in everyday lives, then to be able to differentiate those into which they can change, and to have the courage to change those they can and accept those they cannot change.
“As woosh #4 pointed out: ‘We know what our problem is – we are wooshes, and like all other people we don’t like us. We also know that we cannot change what we are because once a woosh always a woosh. As God said to Adam: Some of thine offspring shall be borne as wooshes. God repeated this to Moses: And your sins will be visited onto the children of the third and fourth generation for them to be borne wooshes.
“Woosh #4 said that we know that we cannot change this, but we need not, like the alcoholics, accept the status. We must change what looks like impossible to change.
That was the time of the American government being anti mostly everything. They were anti communism; they were anti the hippies who were anti the war in Vietnam. They were not particularly keen on the Germans. Things have changed in that they are not anti-these things anymore. Just anti other people owning oil, or also owning nuclear bombs.
Woosh Wayne then explained that they needed to come up with a name. At first they wanted to follow the Alcoholics Anonymous considering Woosh Anonymous. Somehow this did not work: “I am John a Woosh, I have not had a beer for most of my life and do not smoke. I don’t play any sport because I always lose.”
Then they remembered that the foundation of their movement is that they are anti most things, so it sounded like a good idea to call it “Wooshes Against …”. Unfortunately when one completes this title with mostly anything the acronym for the organization became WANK or WASP, which they believed would be counter productive.
It was Woosh #5 who gained fame forever by mentioning that the other staff at Deloite and Tush stuck a notice on his door simply stating ‘Anal’ in big letters. He believed this had to do with his obsession on making correct ticks in an audit and him refusing to accept any audit from his juniors if the ticks were not in the prescribed format. He explained that this had nothing to do with being anal, but that it is professionalism.
Says Woosh Wayne: “We realized that if we simply claimed to be analysts then most people will believe we are annalists, a step up from accountants, which we mostly were.”
They all agreed that the popularity of AA is that it appears at the top of any directory that is alphabetically sorted and when people are looking for something to join then this is the first society they come across in the telephone book.
Woosh #5 believed that many people who are new in the country, or even new in a town, would look for some society to join to make contact with people and when they find AA as the first entry in the telephone directory they phone to join up. When they arrive at the meeting everybody stands up and introduces themselves: “Hi, I am John, I am an alcoholic” which must sound to the lonely new comer like people preparing for a big party.
Then they ask him to introduce himself, and in keeping with the party spirit he says: “I am Ivan Slurpalotabeer from Russia and I am also a great alcoholic well known in my country for my alcoholism.”. Then he is asked to tell them about his drinking escapades, and they listen with great awe as he adds a few untruths to his story. Soon these are his best friends, but he believes they sometimes over claim when they say they are alcoholics and he never sees them drinking. Eventually he believes they don’t like him because they obviously must have great parties that he is not invited to.
So by calling the organization Analists Against Anything Action Related to Sport (AAARS) they would be on the top of the telephone book, and really describe what they are about.
End Part 3
‘When we came together the next week, at the same table in the same bar, we had all given the matter a lot of thought and we started to strategize.
‘First on the agenda was to clarify our objectives.’ Said Woosh Wayne. “We started of with a lot of highfaluting words about how we want to benefit the human race and other thoughts. Eventually we realized that all we want was that people stop looking down on wooshes. To do this we had to make everybody a woosh, or make them despise those that are not wooshes. This was such a simple and honest objective so we settled for this.”
“For this to become a reality we needed people to subscribe to the objective and become a popular movement. We then discussed other movements that had become popular over time so that we can learn from their principles.
“Communism was an obvious one for us to take as a role model. They simply banned anything they did not like. They banned capitalism. They banned the church. They banned making money. They banned people enriching themselves. This worked for us because if we were communists in a communistic country we would simply ban people from making derogatory remarks about wooshes. We could ban fun things like smoking, beer, and blonds having sex with hulks.
“The church was a good contender for a role model. They banned sex, mostly. They banned anything that the hulks enjoy. They also taught that one should love thy neighbor, but what we wanted was more than just neighborly love. We wanted people to love wooshes, and aspire to become wooshes. At least the church had managed to ban smoking and beer drinking in church.
“The American government was a good potential candidate. But they were very liberal and allowed people to do what they want, which was not quite what we wanted because anti-wooshism will continue if people have a free choice. In fact it is the result of this freedom that we had our problem. One of us knew that the democratic USA had more laws then the Russian communists, so this made them even more attractive as an organization to emulate.
“The organization that we felt most attracted to was the Alcoholics Anonymous. This was because of their prayer which asks God for them to be able to clearly identify the things that bother them in everyday lives, then to be able to differentiate those into which they can change, and to have the courage to change those they can and accept those they cannot change.
“As woosh #4 pointed out: ‘We know what our problem is – we are wooshes, and like all other people we don’t like us. We also know that we cannot change what we are because once a woosh always a woosh. As God said to Adam: Some of thine offspring shall be borne as wooshes. God repeated this to Moses: And your sins will be visited onto the children of the third and fourth generation for them to be borne wooshes.
“Woosh #4 said that we know that we cannot change this, but we need not, like the alcoholics, accept the status. We must change what looks like impossible to change.
That was the time of the American government being anti mostly everything. They were anti communism; they were anti the hippies who were anti the war in Vietnam. They were not particularly keen on the Germans. Things have changed in that they are not anti-these things anymore. Just anti other people owning oil, or also owning nuclear bombs.
Woosh Wayne then explained that they needed to come up with a name. At first they wanted to follow the Alcoholics Anonymous considering Woosh Anonymous. Somehow this did not work: “I am John a Woosh, I have not had a beer for most of my life and do not smoke. I don’t play any sport because I always lose.”
Then they remembered that the foundation of their movement is that they are anti most things, so it sounded like a good idea to call it “Wooshes Against …”. Unfortunately when one completes this title with mostly anything the acronym for the organization became WANK or WASP, which they believed would be counter productive.
It was Woosh #5 who gained fame forever by mentioning that the other staff at Deloite and Tush stuck a notice on his door simply stating ‘Anal’ in big letters. He believed this had to do with his obsession on making correct ticks in an audit and him refusing to accept any audit from his juniors if the ticks were not in the prescribed format. He explained that this had nothing to do with being anal, but that it is professionalism.
Says Woosh Wayne: “We realized that if we simply claimed to be analysts then most people will believe we are annalists, a step up from accountants, which we mostly were.”
They all agreed that the popularity of AA is that it appears at the top of any directory that is alphabetically sorted and when people are looking for something to join then this is the first society they come across in the telephone book.
Woosh #5 believed that many people who are new in the country, or even new in a town, would look for some society to join to make contact with people and when they find AA as the first entry in the telephone directory they phone to join up. When they arrive at the meeting everybody stands up and introduces themselves: “Hi, I am John, I am an alcoholic” which must sound to the lonely new comer like people preparing for a big party.
Then they ask him to introduce himself, and in keeping with the party spirit he says: “I am Ivan Slurpalotabeer from Russia and I am also a great alcoholic well known in my country for my alcoholism.”. Then he is asked to tell them about his drinking escapades, and they listen with great awe as he adds a few untruths to his story. Soon these are his best friends, but he believes they sometimes over claim when they say they are alcoholics and he never sees them drinking. Eventually he believes they don’t like him because they obviously must have great parties that he is not invited to.
So by calling the organization Analists Against Anything Action Related to Sport (AAARS) they would be on the top of the telephone book, and really describe what they are about.
End Part 3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
