By now there were so many wooshes finding a new life in the self-created respect they get as joggers that they can get the conversation theme introduced into New York at quick notice and we all know that when everyone says something then it must be true.
“How did you enjoy your jog this morning?”
“Well last nights beer made me burp little beer bubbles all the way”
“The beer from last night was so heavy in my stomach”
Once this became common talk in bars it was a small step to say to the barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water instead of a beer tonight? I have to jog tomorrow”
It is said that when John Wayne walked into the bar and heard Woosh #4 saying this to the barman he said to Chuck Norris: “I refuse to save his life in my next film”. Chuck said to Bruce Lee: “Kill him! He knows my name.”
Rmemeber I told in Part 1 (now in the archives) what John Wayne, Chuck Norris etc. has to do with the Wooshes and how it all started.
But then Arnold arrived and said ‘Nhhh’ and Bruce understood this to mean: “Don’t kill him’. Then Arnold said to the Barman: “Can I have a glass of sparkling mineral water, please?”
Van Damme asked Arnold whether he has gone soft in the head, and Arnold said: ‘To the contrary my friend. I have been thinking. If a cowboy actor can become a president then everything is possible in America. I think that an actor that has saved America from more disaster than Reagan, and even from future disasters that are yet to occur, can also become president”. By this he meant himself, and thus started the political aspirations of Arnold.
‘Did you know that Dirty Harry has become a mayor of a town? And he only killed one or two guys at a time in his movies? I intend to act a robotic cop with a big macine gun that has a limitless supply of bullets and kill everything that threatens American citizens. If I do this well they might even erect a place in Disney world where people can come and pay homage to me. Then I can also become a president. Did you know that presidents do not have to act about how they kill people? They just declare war!”
Chuck Norris said: “Thou has truly gonest soft in the head. Even I, Chuck Norris, do not think such stupid thoughts. You dream on, I will rather dream of Pamela Anderson”.
Again, I stress, that she was not even born at the time of this conversation. But then we all know that Chuck Norris knows everything so he might have been talking with great foresight. Except then he would have had much more respect for Arnold’s dreams.
Woosh Wayne pointed out that the tactic to order water with gas in it in bars was so successful due to pressure from wooshes on other wooshes that the beer companies had to make tasteless beers to compete with water.
The association’s victories to date could by no means be considered trivial:
Jogging was now fashionable. Wooshes could now do something that requires no skill or ability other than being able to crunch oneself into the joggers crunch and then shuffling your feet. For this they get great acclaim and people looking at them with the same awe that is reserved for Chuck Norris killing a 100 gooks, except that everybody knows chuck was only acting. (The only flaw in this achievement is that they have not managed to pass a law to stop the killing of gooks.)
Dogs could not crap in the streets of New York. The real achievement is that this time they managed to pass a law, against dogs passing turds on the street. The only flaw in this trophy was that the dogs could not really talk back. It was heard, on the streets, that some dogs were saying: “You could not walk anywhere in the days when horses crapped in the streets, and there was no pollution from stinking car gasses, and no-one complained.” But since dogs can’t talk these canine observations went largely unheard.
It is also true that this was not an international achievement. The dogs in all the major cities of Europe can still do what they naturally do where they feel like doing it. Or, where horses used to do it before cars started to pollute the place.
People were now drinking tasteless beers and gassed water in bars. The major achievement is that the Association changed the whole economy of their country and big breweries eventually had to be sold to small countries like South African Breweries. The Association now knew they can break economies! But still the big prize eluded them: a law against everyone, in all countries.
The associations founding fathers, and they were by now at the age where they should have been fathers, the only problem was all the jogging had reduced their sperm count to -1, had to think a lot about how they can achieve the ‘big one’.
According to Woosh Wayne the inspiration really came from them recalling that Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne in the nuts. In retrospect they felt that this was because Chuck did not like John. Admittedly this would have been a Freudian repressed dislike because of a regressed Oedipus complex. Since Chuck asked John to put down his cigarette before he kicked John nearly in the nuts it was felt that this Oedipus complex arose from a secret dislike that Chuck had of cigarettes.
There were some obvious realities that the association had to face.
An obvious strategy would have been to tell people that John Wayne was a smoker that died of lung cancer and try to rally people against smoking on this issue. But then Ronald Reagan was a famous cowboy actor and even a president who advertised cigarettes and was simply lingering on with Alsheimers – and no-one had yet even thought of accusing cigarettes of causing Alsheimers.
In any case, since Chuck Norris kicked John Wayne nearly in the nuts the association was not sure whether he – as the real founder member – would appreciate the association building John Waynes reputation.
So the founding wooshes of the association sat in a circle sucking on their drinking straws in a bar and gave the matter a lot more thought.
They considered doing to cigarettes what they did to beer, but this appeared to be less rewarding since they had already succeeded in making people drink tasteless beer. There was no real point to prove, and the cigarette companies were already producing tasteless cigarettes without nicotine.
They also felt that while people were drinking tasteless beers in bars, they have not really achieved there total objective – total abstinence.
Woosh #2 sugested: “The way to go has to be a composite attack on all fronts. We must involve civil liberties and social responsibility. We must get as close to human rights because this was very powerful at the time of the French Revolution. What worked for Voltaire can work for us. We have to go for the Freedom of the Individual, it is what American like to hear, and sounds great in third world countries – if we really want to make this an international achievement.”
Woosh #4 pontificated: “We have a president that was very popular until his cigar made him do funny things to Monica. Maybe if we give the people reason to blame the cigar we can subconsciously get them to blame cigarettes.”
Woosh #5 nused: “We have very few members of our association in third world countries. One does not see them jogging around the block – or wheatfield, or kraal, or whatever. In fact the Kenyans insist on winning marathons and that is not in the spirit of running around the place not to win.”
Woosh #4 suggested: “But we have the United Nations here dishing out aid. I don’t really understand how we can have this massive international debt and still be dishing out aid, but surely this is a way we can make those third world countries behave.”
Woosh #3 added to this: “One should probably think of the UK as being one of those as well. Not that they take aid, but one can hardly think of them being first world like we are? Remember the UK includes the Irish.”
On this point Woose Waynes recollections were very clear, and since they accord with the known facts no-one can argue. Woosh #1 one summarized the views into a strategy:
“Remember how when we started this association we looked at the AA prayer and found the mistake in their reasoning being that one has to accept the things one cannot change?
“The mistake everyone makes is to think that smoking is a human right and that everyone has a right to choose.
“All we have to do is base our strategy on civil liberties and freedom.
“We have the right to choose not to smoke and therefore they are infringing on our rights. This means they must stop smoking. We are not infringing on their rights, they are infringing on our rights.
“We don’t use Reagan or John Wayne as spoke-persons. We have enough movie actors drinking water with gas in bars. We just influence them to not smoke in movies – and make everyone aware that they don’t smoke in movies. Thus by making aware of what they are not doing they are all spokespeople for us. The more they drink, swear, screw and show blood the more obvious it will be that they are not smoking
“We tell the UN and the world bank, who are not achieving anything in terms of alleviating poverty or AIDS or world food shortages or climate change that they can also become winners. After all we made wooses winners; we can do this for the UN and World Bank. We tell them to focus on anti-smoking laws in countries that want aid!! We will get our laws into countries that no-one has ever heard of.
“UK is easy. We just tell them. They will do what America asks. I am certain that if we ask them to go to war they will do so as a favour to us. We just need to give them an excuse in clever words. Something like: There are weapons of mass destruction lurking there. Come to think of this, why not try it someday? Then we can achieve a new objective.
“The rest of the British Isles are simple to get sorted out. The Irish and Scotts have brains addled by scotch, Guiness and whatever they can find that has alcohol. We just tell them it is a good idea to make laws against smoking and they will do it, as long as we do not touch their rights to drink.
“Once we get the Irish to do this, we just tell the English that they are lagging behind and they will also make laws against smoking in their pubs simply so that they also appear to be civilized.
“And we can base all of this again on our general play on people’s need to live forever. The churches have all shown this is the most powerful driving force out there, one that is much stronger than the need to enjoy life, or have fun, or have a good quality of life drink, have sex, etc.
“QED.
For the benefit of the other wooses Woose #1 explained that QED means ‘Quite Easily Done’.
END PART 5
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