This is a longish story – about 3 episodes.
Woosh Wayne told me this in a private conversation. His real name is not Woosh but John, for obvious reasons he prefers not to be called John Wayne and had his name legally changed on his seventieth birthday as a present to himself.
Woosh was about 85 when he told me this story – he looked a healthy 105. The telling took about five days because Whooshes’ memory went wandering most of the time. When it was not wandering it was jogging. It was also very difficult to identify fact from fiction, so some of this account includes my wishful thinking, and some might be Woosh’s wishful memory.
At the time Woosh was trying to recruit me for the analyst society. I became interested because I thought it was the annalist’s society.
The benefits of the society, Woosh explained, are that one live for nearly ever if one follow the analyst lifestyle.
‘Look at me’ Woosh said, lifting his head from his hips where it had gone too as a result of the Jogging Posture. ‘I am still jogging at the age of 85. Pass me my Zimmer frame so I can show you – the sports model with the big wheels.’
‘Some people say that I am a waste of the tax-payers money. But these are all young people that work and pay tax. I worked until I was 55, a full 30 years of productivity. This means that I have now been retired for 30 years, and living on the state-pension, and health care should not bother them. My children say that I only worked from age 25 – having been taken care of by my parents before then, and had a subsidized education. They claim that I have now not contributed to the economy for 55 years. But they just say this because they would like me to die.’
‘Look at my son. He smoked and ended in hospital for 3 months before dying – what an irresponsible waste of the tax-payers money!’
I quote this to explain how difficult it was to get to the real story when Woosh kept up such obviously illogical arguments.
The Analyst Society, according to Woosh Wayne, was founded in a bar in NewYork.
4 Wooshes were having beer-shandies (beer and lemonade mixed – in those days there was no such thing as lite beer). They were drinking shandies because this allowed them to have a beer in front of them, while they were drinking lemonade. They all found the taste of beer (even Millers) very overwhelming.
One of the wooshes worked for Deloite and Tush, the other one also. Two worked for Deloite and Douche. This was before the two companies merged. At first the new management considered naming the new company Tush and Douche, but then decided against this.
Woosh #1 (Woosh could not remember any of the other wooshes’ names) was the debits auditor clerk because he was left handed, and Woosh #2 did credits, for obvious reasons.
They were all discussing the relative merits of the ticks they make when auditing. Seems that at Deloits and Tuch the company style was a tick that started with a short up line, then a strong down line and a tapering up line. At Deloit and Douch the up line was not included.
At a nearby table, drinking beer and smoking, was John Wayne. For the younger readers we need to mention that John Wayne was a famous cowboy movie actor. In all his movies there would invariably be a lemonade drinker in the bar when John Wayne arrives in town, at some stage the lemonade drinker will experience some life-threatening problem like a big bad guy wanting to kick him around, John Wayne would calmly stub out his cigarette, kill the bad guy, and kiss the beautiful blond.
This was a basic theme for all John Wayne’s movies. One must remember these were the days before AIDS so kissing was shown in movies rather than the full act of making love. These days, of course it would be politically incorrect showing John Wayne (or any movie hero) stubbing out his cigarette before beating the bad guy using the unspoken Queensbury rules of the Wild West. These days a non-smoking John Wayne will kick the living shit out of the bad guy, aiming mostly to kick him in the balls while swearing loudly about Mothafucka and then end up fucking the blond.
But, back to the bar in New York. With John Wayne being at a nearby table the 4 wooshes felt relatively save because it was known that John Wayne has a soft spot for wooshes.
At John Wayne’s table was Chuck Norris. Even in the 60’s which is when this happened, Chuck looked like he does today. We all know that Chuck Norris does not age, so he looked the same then as he does now. He is also known for saving wooshes when he is not busy saving all of the USA. (Maybe there is not much difference in these two jobs).
Also at John Wayne’s table was Jean-Claude van Dam and Arnold Swartsenneger, according to Woosh Wayne, but since they would have been young and living in Brussels and Austria at the time it is possible that this was just Woosh Wayne’s fanciful memory. However, it is true that both of them soon after the sixties embarked on careers saving wooshes and Americans (preferably USA Americans) they might very well have been there at the time.
The movie stars were discussing ways they use to get rid of the bad guys.
John Wayne was explaining: ‘So after the scene in which I get to say “Look at all them Injuns” we went to the bar scene where there was this bad guy. I bopped him one on the snout, and some other guy hit him over the head with a chair. I wish they would allow me to do this just once, but it is always some scruffy guy that gets this role, and I have to be shaven because the director says to not be shaven will be bad for my image.
‘After he is hit by the chair he pulls out a knife. I am also not allowed to use a knife in movies’, complained John Wayne. ‘So I pull my gun and shoot him – somewhere where there is no blood in his body. Then I get to kiss the girl – no tongue.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing why he does not get speaking parts in movies.
Chuck then gave his opinion ‘John, these are the old days of movie fighting. Pretty soon we will do it differently. First we will have a gook shoot us so we are full of blood and obviously dying. Then we will kick him in the balls several times, shoot him with a machine gun, cut his throat, hand him a hand-grenade with a drawn pin and, then we will fuck the blond.’
‘Nhh’ grunted Arnold, showing of his oratory skills.
John Wayne expressed his desires for things to change so that he can make movies like this one day.
Chuck warned him that things will not be as great as what they sound like “We will get to call them gooks, or dirty commies, but only the black actors will be allowed to call the bad guy a mothafucka. And even the bad guys will not get to screw Pamela Anderson.”
At this point Bruce Lee joined the table so they had to stop complaining about being able to call the bad guys chinks or gooks.
At John Waynes request Chuck demonstrated his well rehearsed ‘ball-kicking technique’. First he stubbed out his cigarette and asked John Wayne to stop smoking. Then he aimed a solid kick at John Waynes balls. Probably due to the beer he missed and slammed his foot into John’s stomach.
Expelling all his breath, and a mighty expel it was, John said “Wooooosh”.
At this point Woosh #1 interrupted his arguments pro-ticks-with-less-emphasized-up-strokes to exclaim: “It really Pees me off when someone calls me a woosh”.
Woosh #2 siad to Chuck Norris: “You guys are supposed to protect us wooshes! Why do you now go around calling my friend a woosh behind his back? Maybe you should kick John Wayne in the balls for calling my friend a woosh.”
Bruce Lee, who did not understand the conversation between John Wayne and Chuck Norris just saw Chuck Norris trying to (very poorly) kick John Wayne in the balls. So he jumped up, and with one delicate karate chop killed Chuck Norris.
This is the story that Woosh Wayne told me, but remember that he was 80 and had the memory of a 3 year old because of his healthy living. I mean the healthy living caused him to be 80 years old, not necessarily contributed to his memory problems. (Or, rather, his lack of memory problems).
End of Part 1.
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